Donald Trump Phone Call Today

Well was I surprised today when none other than Donald Trump called my personal cell today while I was eating breakfast:

DT: Mark. Look I will be brief. I have no other choice than to evict you. You have been a source of constant grief for me from day one and I cannot imagine you living in one of my buildings any longer. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. That's it. You should say something. It's real.

Me: (muffled breakfast sandwich croissant munching sounds) Sec... (I finish my bite - and a bit of OJ) Ok, I'm just having some breakfast here. I'm sorry, who is this?

DT: Donald Trump. The guy you called an idiot yesterday on TV.

Me: Yeah well, no kidding. You bad mouthed Dan Rather - a loser I believe - PASS THE SALT HONEY, THANKS - I believe you said.

DT: He IS a loser. He is a pompous throwback to a journalistic era that never really existed to begin with. He is living in a fiction novel. Mark, I don't have time to debate this.

Me: Sorry Trump. I ain't moving anywhere. I've got the condo board on my side and they all have season tix to the Mavs. I'm set. Who did you vote for last night anyway?

DT: Are you referring to that outrageously lame television show you pretend to be a dancer on? I don't waste my time on such drivel. Besides, your head is too big. It's too big for your body Mark. It's fills my whole damned widescreen and kind of makes me queasy. It's just not right to have a head so large that it looks photoshop'ed on you. I vote for you to shrink your head or start working out your neck or something. That's what I vote for.

Me: Look. Sorry your little reality show there got dropped for this fall, really I am. You have got all this time on your hands now and no place to put it. Why don't you buy the Knicks or something? Then we could deal with this on the court and not in court.

I hung up in his ear, the little wind bag. I don't have a big head do I? It looks proportionate right??

WHEW! Whadda night!

I am so thrilled with my performance last night on "Dancing With The Stars"! Did you see those moves? If you did I hope you voted for me. I am not below begging for some votes - its what a democracy is all about! Kept my hip in check too. Ouch.

Not only that, I also showed some ass last night too!! You see that? If you didn't vote for my dancing, vote for my ass cheek - complete with scars from my stitches. Ladies - you turned on by that?? WOOHOO! It is not everyday you can show your ass on national television. My only wish was that it was in high definition. I definitely have a HD worthy ass and 1080p is the minimal viewing experience for it. Ya gotta see my little ass hairs standing up from the excitement of having hundreds of thousands of people staring at my butt.

I must admit though I have gotten swamped with negative emails about me wearing a homeless or beggars outfit on the show. RELAX FOLKS. The song was all about that very topic! What? Did you want me to wear my Dior Tux for the song? C'mon get real. Besides I wasn't always rich. But I am now. :-)

How about that Kym? Get your mind out of the gutter guys. She is a nice girl and my better half fully approves of the competition. Right honey? She's right here beside me as I type. Oop. Gotta go. Touchy subject I guess... Call 911 if I don't post by tomorrow...

Prancing With The Stars...

I have been getting a ton of email this morning about rumors of me joining 'Dancing With The Stars'. Look guys, I told my agent to go out and get some buzz for me - I am tired of making shit up all the time for press all the time. So when he came back to me with this idea ...yeah ok I had a few drinks... it sounded off the chain. My hips don't lie guys. Seriously. If Drexler can do it - so can I. And I think I'm gonna win - I will be the best out there. My agent thinks my moves are a little effeminate, but then again he says I talk effeminate too. Idiot. I should can his ass. I am the most macho guy I know! And this show will prove it!