Donald Trump Phone Call Today

Well was I surprised today when none other than Donald Trump called my personal cell today while I was eating breakfast:

DT: Mark. Look I will be brief. I have no other choice than to evict you. You have been a source of constant grief for me from day one and I cannot imagine you living in one of my buildings any longer. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. That's it. You should say something. It's real.

Me: (muffled breakfast sandwich croissant munching sounds) Sec... (I finish my bite - and a bit of OJ) Ok, I'm just having some breakfast here. I'm sorry, who is this?

DT: Donald Trump. The guy you called an idiot yesterday on TV.

Me: Yeah well, no kidding. You bad mouthed Dan Rather - a loser I believe - PASS THE SALT HONEY, THANKS - I believe you said.

DT: He IS a loser. He is a pompous throwback to a journalistic era that never really existed to begin with. He is living in a fiction novel. Mark, I don't have time to debate this.

Me: Sorry Trump. I ain't moving anywhere. I've got the condo board on my side and they all have season tix to the Mavs. I'm set. Who did you vote for last night anyway?

DT: Are you referring to that outrageously lame television show you pretend to be a dancer on? I don't waste my time on such drivel. Besides, your head is too big. It's too big for your body Mark. It's fills my whole damned widescreen and kind of makes me queasy. It's just not right to have a head so large that it looks photoshop'ed on you. I vote for you to shrink your head or start working out your neck or something. That's what I vote for.

Me: Look. Sorry your little reality show there got dropped for this fall, really I am. You have got all this time on your hands now and no place to put it. Why don't you buy the Knicks or something? Then we could deal with this on the court and not in court.

I hung up in his ear, the little wind bag. I don't have a big head do I? It looks proportionate right??

WHEW! Whadda night!

I am so thrilled with my performance last night on "Dancing With The Stars"! Did you see those moves? If you did I hope you voted for me. I am not below begging for some votes - its what a democracy is all about! Kept my hip in check too. Ouch.

Not only that, I also showed some ass last night too!! You see that? If you didn't vote for my dancing, vote for my ass cheek - complete with scars from my stitches. Ladies - you turned on by that?? WOOHOO! It is not everyday you can show your ass on national television. My only wish was that it was in high definition. I definitely have a HD worthy ass and 1080p is the minimal viewing experience for it. Ya gotta see my little ass hairs standing up from the excitement of having hundreds of thousands of people staring at my butt.

I must admit though I have gotten swamped with negative emails about me wearing a homeless or beggars outfit on the show. RELAX FOLKS. The song was all about that very topic! What? Did you want me to wear my Dior Tux for the song? C'mon get real. Besides I wasn't always rich. But I am now. :-)

How about that Kym? Get your mind out of the gutter guys. She is a nice girl and my better half fully approves of the competition. Right honey? She's right here beside me as I type. Oop. Gotta go. Touchy subject I guess... Call 911 if I don't post by tomorrow...

Karaoke Kuban and the Kubs

Yeah ok. I can sing. Someone caught me out at a karaoke joint recently and I broke out into a resounding version of CCR's "Proud Mary". Whoop-de-doo. I'll say it again, any news is NOT good news. Anything for some attention right? Do people really care what I sing about?

Now the big news of the day is that I was seen at a Cubs game, sitting with the fans in the outfield. Whoop-de-doo. People, it's called due diligence. I am checking out the team I am about to spunk all over and you always have to be careful when it comes to these things. Besides, I had a few beers and afterward carried on a bit at a bar. In fact, I sang a little too. Now that IS a real story, not because I sang but because I gave birth to the words right then and there - it was like the creative day I bought the broadcast.com URL, (originally thought we were going to be casting agents for women only - who knew?). Anyway, just so there is no misrepresentation, here is my little ditty:

I support the common folk out in the bleachers...
and to stay away from all the leechers. Uh-huh.
The 'net is full of would be teachers... spoutin' off on all their new features
- hopin' to get reecher. REECHER! Ree, ree, reecher. Ugh. Ugh.
That's why I am in the bleachers.
Prayin' for a Cubs win - with all them blue capped preachers... Peace OUT.

Just one application...

The Chicago Cub(an)s?

You bet. Look, I've got money. I can buy just about anything I want. The Cub(an)s are an institution in Chicago and Wrigley Field is really a mecca for any baseball purist. Those are valuable commodities and I trade in value. What do I really know about baseball? Crap. Basketball is my game, always has been. But I know commodities and there is money to be made here. If Jerry freakin' Jones can buy the Cowboys and reap those rewards, I can buy the damn Cub(an)s ok?

Sure it seems like I just want to buy another team for vanity sake. It just seems that way. Yes, I was interested in the Penguins (oops) and the Pirates and the CFL is looming large for me... But the Cub(an)s mean a lot more. I am buying a piece of America. That says something you know?

I have an uncanny knack of getting out too when the going gets tough. Look I sold Broadcast.com while avoiding the bursting bubble known as the Internet 1.0. I will sell the Cub(an)s too when the time is right, although that value has got nowhere to go but up. Wrigley field is the only hint of a bubble around this deal.

There will only be slight changes. Not really noticeable... really. To quote the infamous Harry Caray: “Booze, broads, and bullshit. If you got all that, what else do you need?”

CFL - Cuban Football League...

I'll just come out with it. I am thinking of buying the Canadian Football League. The whole damn thing. It's a different game up there - wider fields and only 3 downs to get 10 yards, and I hate to say it but they got bigger balls too - the point being there are differentiators between us (CFL) and the NFL.

I could buy the league lock stock and barrel and still come under the price tag of one NFL team. Chew on that. Then I will open up franchises to every major center in the US, but with the caveat of ONLY playing on Fridays. We will compete with the National Football League for any player in the draft past the first round.

That league has always needed financial assistance and now that they are starting to make better decisions (now there is only ONE 'Roughrider' team in the league - before there were two, believe it or not) I may be able to keep some of the executive staff.

I can't really rename the league the Cuban Football League 'cause we would not be in Cuba, would we? Hmmm, maybe Havana could support a team after the ol' Castro kicks off though.

I have got to make my mind up soon though, the freakin' Canadian exchange rate is damn near parity now and creeping up. It's loonie I tell ya!

My Wikipedia entry and smokin' Cubans...

Ok guys - you all know who I am. Sure I like to jump up and down and froth at the mouth during my beloved Mavs games, but there is more to me than that! Just read the juicy Wikipedia entry about me. I kick ass man. Hell even I forgot I sold garbage bags when I was a kid to pay for new sneakers!

Oh that reminds me - got a call yesterday on my new iPhone (Yes, iPhone. I've got Rosie O'Donnell doing Trump's comb-over on it as a background) from Reebok. Some english accented goofball. Anyway he kept putting the emphasis on 'ban' instead of the 'cu' in my name - really pissed me off. Not a good way to start a conversation with me by the way. Its not like my name has a million syllables or something. He was all excited about a new line of sneakers that they want to bring out based on my name and breaking rules. Smokin' Cubans is what he called them. Can you f*cking believe that? He was smoking something that's obvious.

I asked him how he got my number so I could ream the idiot out. Turns out it was my speakers bureau - you know the guys that book all my speaking engagements (don't laugh - $50k per +X baby). Why the hell they gave him my new cell number is beyond me.

Sneakers. Like I have time out of my day to play with designing those. I asked him to send over some options... :)

Stay Tuned!!

This is gonna be fun...