Well was I surprised today when none other than Donald Trump called my personal cell today while I was eating breakfast:
DT: Mark. Look I will be brief. I have no other choice than to evict you. You have been a source of constant grief for me from day one and I cannot imagine you living in one of my buildings any longer. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. That's it. You should say something. It's real.
Me: (muffled breakfast sandwich croissant munching sounds) Sec... (I finish my bite - and a bit of OJ) Ok, I'm just having some breakfast here. I'm sorry, who is this?
DT: Donald Trump. The guy you called an idiot yesterday on TV.
Me: Yeah well, no kidding. You bad mouthed Dan Rather - a loser I believe - PASS THE SALT HONEY, THANKS - I believe you said.
DT: He IS a loser. He is a pompous throwback to a journalistic era that never really existed to begin with. He is living in a fiction novel. Mark, I don't have time to debate this.
Me: Sorry Trump. I ain't moving anywhere. I've got the condo board on my side and they all have season tix to the Mavs. I'm set. Who did you vote for last night anyway?
DT: Are you referring to that outrageously lame television show you pretend to be a dancer on? I don't waste my time on such drivel. Besides, your head is too big. It's too big for your body Mark. It's fills my whole damned widescreen and kind of makes me queasy. It's just not right to have a head so large that it looks photoshop'ed on you. I vote for you to shrink your head or start working out your neck or something. That's what I vote for.
Me: Look. Sorry your little reality show there got dropped for this fall, really I am. You have got all this time on your hands now and no place to put it. Why don't you buy the Knicks or something? Then we could deal with this on the court and not in court.
I hung up in his ear, the little wind bag. I don't have a big head do I? It looks proportionate right??