Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Bill O'Riseandshine

So I get a call from Bill O'Reilly this morning - EARLY this this morning. He wakes me up in fact. I look over at my alarm clock and it's friggin' 3am. It goes something like this:

Bill: Mark, it's Bill O'Reilly. Sorry about the ungodly time...
Me: Ah huh? What? (I am still half asleep!)
Bill: C'mon Mark, this is serious shit. Wake the fuck up! (Yelling)
Me: Yeah, what?
Bill: I am running with your comments about your new Iraq movie and that it is indeed a pro-soldier story - but I have got to hear it verbally from you - I am holding you responsible.... Mark?
Me: Hold on, I'll just be a sec, I gotta pee. Hold on...
Bill: Take it with you - I called you on your cell! Wake up man.
Me: Oh yeah, ok.
Bill: Look, I am not a mean guy, but we have certain standards to uphold here and I need your word that this movie is not gonna be some Tim Robbins, frothin' at the mouth flick - understand?
Me: Oh shit.
Bill: What?
Me: I forgot I had a little freaky last night and I just pissed all over the wall beside the toilet. You know. It got diverted. I'm straight and narrow now though...
Bill: For GOD'S SAKE MAN. Aren't you listening?
Me: Not really Bill. I am urinating and I'm making quite a racket.
Bill: I'm trying to be civil here - make a... (toilet flushes)
Me: Billy. It's 3am. I just pissed on my wall and I've got to wipe it down before the wifey sees it. You are spouting your right wing spunk at me and all I can think about is cleaning that urine off before I get castrated. You with me? I've got to find those Javex wipe thingys around here somewhere to disinfect. It's the last thing I want to be doing at 3am! Now I have to do while listening to Bill O'Reilly? C'mon cut me some slack already.
Bill: Mark. I'm gonna trust you on your word.
Me: (click)

Can you believe that guy? Is that all he does is news? 24/7? I mean it was freakin' 3am and he is working! I am all for a hard days work, but draw the line man. How can someone be so dedicated to something that is so logically wrong I'll never know. But I do know this: My freakin' bathroom wall is spotless. And so is my reputation around the house. And that, my friends, is what life is all about.

No comments: