Donald Trump Phone Call Today

Well was I surprised today when none other than Donald Trump called my personal cell today while I was eating breakfast:

DT: Mark. Look I will be brief. I have no other choice than to evict you. You have been a source of constant grief for me from day one and I cannot imagine you living in one of my buildings any longer. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. That's it. You should say something. It's real.

Me: (muffled breakfast sandwich croissant munching sounds) Sec... (I finish my bite - and a bit of OJ) Ok, I'm just having some breakfast here. I'm sorry, who is this?

DT: Donald Trump. The guy you called an idiot yesterday on TV.

Me: Yeah well, no kidding. You bad mouthed Dan Rather - a loser I believe - PASS THE SALT HONEY, THANKS - I believe you said.

DT: He IS a loser. He is a pompous throwback to a journalistic era that never really existed to begin with. He is living in a fiction novel. Mark, I don't have time to debate this.

Me: Sorry Trump. I ain't moving anywhere. I've got the condo board on my side and they all have season tix to the Mavs. I'm set. Who did you vote for last night anyway?

DT: Are you referring to that outrageously lame television show you pretend to be a dancer on? I don't waste my time on such drivel. Besides, your head is too big. It's too big for your body Mark. It's fills my whole damned widescreen and kind of makes me queasy. It's just not right to have a head so large that it looks photoshop'ed on you. I vote for you to shrink your head or start working out your neck or something. That's what I vote for.

Me: Look. Sorry your little reality show there got dropped for this fall, really I am. You have got all this time on your hands now and no place to put it. Why don't you buy the Knicks or something? Then we could deal with this on the court and not in court.

I hung up in his ear, the little wind bag. I don't have a big head do I? It looks proportionate right??

WHEW! Whadda night!

I am so thrilled with my performance last night on "Dancing With The Stars"! Did you see those moves? If you did I hope you voted for me. I am not below begging for some votes - its what a democracy is all about! Kept my hip in check too. Ouch.

Not only that, I also showed some ass last night too!! You see that? If you didn't vote for my dancing, vote for my ass cheek - complete with scars from my stitches. Ladies - you turned on by that?? WOOHOO! It is not everyday you can show your ass on national television. My only wish was that it was in high definition. I definitely have a HD worthy ass and 1080p is the minimal viewing experience for it. Ya gotta see my little ass hairs standing up from the excitement of having hundreds of thousands of people staring at my butt.

I must admit though I have gotten swamped with negative emails about me wearing a homeless or beggars outfit on the show. RELAX FOLKS. The song was all about that very topic! What? Did you want me to wear my Dior Tux for the song? C'mon get real. Besides I wasn't always rich. But I am now. :-)

How about that Kym? Get your mind out of the gutter guys. She is a nice girl and my better half fully approves of the competition. Right honey? She's right here beside me as I type. Oop. Gotta go. Touchy subject I guess... Call 911 if I don't post by tomorrow...

Karaoke Kuban and the Kubs

Yeah ok. I can sing. Someone caught me out at a karaoke joint recently and I broke out into a resounding version of CCR's "Proud Mary". Whoop-de-doo. I'll say it again, any news is NOT good news. Anything for some attention right? Do people really care what I sing about?

Now the big news of the day is that I was seen at a Cubs game, sitting with the fans in the outfield. Whoop-de-doo. People, it's called due diligence. I am checking out the team I am about to spunk all over and you always have to be careful when it comes to these things. Besides, I had a few beers and afterward carried on a bit at a bar. In fact, I sang a little too. Now that IS a real story, not because I sang but because I gave birth to the words right then and there - it was like the creative day I bought the broadcast.com URL, (originally thought we were going to be casting agents for women only - who knew?). Anyway, just so there is no misrepresentation, here is my little ditty:

I support the common folk out in the bleachers...
and to stay away from all the leechers. Uh-huh.
The 'net is full of would be teachers... spoutin' off on all their new features
- hopin' to get reecher. REECHER! Ree, ree, reecher. Ugh. Ugh.
That's why I am in the bleachers.
Prayin' for a Cubs win - with all them blue capped preachers... Peace OUT.

GUT CHECK TIME GUYS.

One word. MMA.

Mixed Martial Arts. Get it? I sure as hell do and I am putting money where my mouth is. Ever see that movie "Bloodsport" with Van Damme? "I too will fight in the Kumite!" Damn straight. I get emotional when that guy gets his back broken. Man that wasn't right. But I would pay to see it.

"You good fighter... You...... Good." That's what I said with my best Chinese accent to my better half last night. Lost an argument over forgetting to write down the date of when I took a loaf of bread out of the freezer. I think she is starting to get pissed at me going around with this Chinese accent all the time too. Don't know why. I'm just getting totally into this MMA shit - you know?

"Honey... I'm going ot in the cataract to get some flied lice. Beef flied lice. You want?"

Relationships are sweet don't ya think? EYAH!

Bill O'Riseandshine

So I get a call from Bill O'Reilly this morning - EARLY this this morning. He wakes me up in fact. I look over at my alarm clock and it's friggin' 3am. It goes something like this:

Bill: Mark, it's Bill O'Reilly. Sorry about the ungodly time...
Me: Ah huh? What? (I am still half asleep!)
Bill: C'mon Mark, this is serious shit. Wake the fuck up! (Yelling)
Me: Yeah, what?
Bill: I am running with your comments about your new Iraq movie and that it is indeed a pro-soldier story - but I have got to hear it verbally from you - I am holding you responsible.... Mark?
Me: Hold on, I'll just be a sec, I gotta pee. Hold on...
Bill: Take it with you - I called you on your cell! Wake up man.
Me: Oh yeah, ok.
Bill: Look, I am not a mean guy, but we have certain standards to uphold here and I need your word that this movie is not gonna be some Tim Robbins, frothin' at the mouth flick - understand?
Me: Oh shit.
Bill: What?
Me: I forgot I had a little freaky last night and I just pissed all over the wall beside the toilet. You know. It got diverted. I'm straight and narrow now though...
Bill: For GOD'S SAKE MAN. Aren't you listening?
Me: Not really Bill. I am urinating and I'm making quite a racket.
Bill: I'm trying to be civil here - make a... (toilet flushes)
Me: Billy. It's 3am. I just pissed on my wall and I've got to wipe it down before the wifey sees it. You are spouting your right wing spunk at me and all I can think about is cleaning that urine off before I get castrated. You with me? I've got to find those Javex wipe thingys around here somewhere to disinfect. It's the last thing I want to be doing at 3am! Now I have to do while listening to Bill O'Reilly? C'mon cut me some slack already.
Bill: Mark. I'm gonna trust you on your word.
Me: (click)

Can you believe that guy? Is that all he does is news? 24/7? I mean it was freakin' 3am and he is working! I am all for a hard days work, but draw the line man. How can someone be so dedicated to something that is so logically wrong I'll never know. But I do know this: My freakin' bathroom wall is spotless. And so is my reputation around the house. And that, my friends, is what life is all about.