An Announcement !

Hello faithful readers! It is with a great deal of pride that I move ongoing Mock Mark blog posts to http://www.newsgroper.com/mark-cuban/ to introduce News Groper aficionados to the marvelous world that is Mock Mark.

The content remains as poignant and bang-on as ever - so I invite you to come over and enjoy again and again as I make my new home at News Groper. I've got lots to talk about... :-)

...And thank you for making Mock Mark a continued success.

MC

Donald Trump Phone Call Today

Well was I surprised today when none other than Donald Trump called my personal cell today while I was eating breakfast:

DT: Mark. Look I will be brief. I have no other choice than to evict you. You have been a source of constant grief for me from day one and I cannot imagine you living in one of my buildings any longer. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. That's it. You should say something. It's real.

Me: (muffled breakfast sandwich croissant munching sounds) Sec... (I finish my bite - and a bit of OJ) Ok, I'm just having some breakfast here. I'm sorry, who is this?

DT: Donald Trump. The guy you called an idiot yesterday on TV.

Me: Yeah well, no kidding. You bad mouthed Dan Rather - a loser I believe - PASS THE SALT HONEY, THANKS - I believe you said.

DT: He IS a loser. He is a pompous throwback to a journalistic era that never really existed to begin with. He is living in a fiction novel. Mark, I don't have time to debate this.

Me: Sorry Trump. I ain't moving anywhere. I've got the condo board on my side and they all have season tix to the Mavs. I'm set. Who did you vote for last night anyway?

DT: Are you referring to that outrageously lame television show you pretend to be a dancer on? I don't waste my time on such drivel. Besides, your head is too big. It's too big for your body Mark. It's fills my whole damned widescreen and kind of makes me queasy. It's just not right to have a head so large that it looks photoshop'ed on you. I vote for you to shrink your head or start working out your neck or something. That's what I vote for.

Me: Look. Sorry your little reality show there got dropped for this fall, really I am. You have got all this time on your hands now and no place to put it. Why don't you buy the Knicks or something? Then we could deal with this on the court and not in court.

I hung up in his ear, the little wind bag. I don't have a big head do I? It looks proportionate right??

WHEW! Whadda night!

I am so thrilled with my performance last night on "Dancing With The Stars"! Did you see those moves? If you did I hope you voted for me. I am not below begging for some votes - its what a democracy is all about! Kept my hip in check too. Ouch.

Not only that, I also showed some ass last night too!! You see that? If you didn't vote for my dancing, vote for my ass cheek - complete with scars from my stitches. Ladies - you turned on by that?? WOOHOO! It is not everyday you can show your ass on national television. My only wish was that it was in high definition. I definitely have a HD worthy ass and 1080p is the minimal viewing experience for it. Ya gotta see my little ass hairs standing up from the excitement of having hundreds of thousands of people staring at my butt.

I must admit though I have gotten swamped with negative emails about me wearing a homeless or beggars outfit on the show. RELAX FOLKS. The song was all about that very topic! What? Did you want me to wear my Dior Tux for the song? C'mon get real. Besides I wasn't always rich. But I am now. :-)

How about that Kym? Get your mind out of the gutter guys. She is a nice girl and my better half fully approves of the competition. Right honey? She's right here beside me as I type. Oop. Gotta go. Touchy subject I guess... Call 911 if I don't post by tomorrow...

Karaoke Kuban and the Kubs

Yeah ok. I can sing. Someone caught me out at a karaoke joint recently and I broke out into a resounding version of CCR's "Proud Mary". Whoop-de-doo. I'll say it again, any news is NOT good news. Anything for some attention right? Do people really care what I sing about?

Now the big news of the day is that I was seen at a Cubs game, sitting with the fans in the outfield. Whoop-de-doo. People, it's called due diligence. I am checking out the team I am about to spunk all over and you always have to be careful when it comes to these things. Besides, I had a few beers and afterward carried on a bit at a bar. In fact, I sang a little too. Now that IS a real story, not because I sang but because I gave birth to the words right then and there - it was like the creative day I bought the broadcast.com URL, (originally thought we were going to be casting agents for women only - who knew?). Anyway, just so there is no misrepresentation, here is my little ditty:

I support the common folk out in the bleachers...
and to stay away from all the leechers. Uh-huh.
The 'net is full of would be teachers... spoutin' off on all their new features
- hopin' to get reecher. REECHER! Ree, ree, reecher. Ugh. Ugh.
That's why I am in the bleachers.
Prayin' for a Cubs win - with all them blue capped preachers... Peace OUT.

GUT CHECK TIME GUYS.

One word. MMA.

Mixed Martial Arts. Get it? I sure as hell do and I am putting money where my mouth is. Ever see that movie "Bloodsport" with Van Damme? "I too will fight in the Kumite!" Damn straight. I get emotional when that guy gets his back broken. Man that wasn't right. But I would pay to see it.

"You good fighter... You...... Good." That's what I said with my best Chinese accent to my better half last night. Lost an argument over forgetting to write down the date of when I took a loaf of bread out of the freezer. I think she is starting to get pissed at me going around with this Chinese accent all the time too. Don't know why. I'm just getting totally into this MMA shit - you know?

"Honey... I'm going ot in the cataract to get some flied lice. Beef flied lice. You want?"

Relationships are sweet don't ya think? EYAH!

Bill O'Riseandshine

So I get a call from Bill O'Reilly this morning - EARLY this this morning. He wakes me up in fact. I look over at my alarm clock and it's friggin' 3am. It goes something like this:

Bill: Mark, it's Bill O'Reilly. Sorry about the ungodly time...
Me: Ah huh? What? (I am still half asleep!)
Bill: C'mon Mark, this is serious shit. Wake the fuck up! (Yelling)
Me: Yeah, what?
Bill: I am running with your comments about your new Iraq movie and that it is indeed a pro-soldier story - but I have got to hear it verbally from you - I am holding you responsible.... Mark?
Me: Hold on, I'll just be a sec, I gotta pee. Hold on...
Bill: Take it with you - I called you on your cell! Wake up man.
Me: Oh yeah, ok.
Bill: Look, I am not a mean guy, but we have certain standards to uphold here and I need your word that this movie is not gonna be some Tim Robbins, frothin' at the mouth flick - understand?
Me: Oh shit.
Bill: What?
Me: I forgot I had a little freaky last night and I just pissed all over the wall beside the toilet. You know. It got diverted. I'm straight and narrow now though...
Bill: For GOD'S SAKE MAN. Aren't you listening?
Me: Not really Bill. I am urinating and I'm making quite a racket.
Bill: I'm trying to be civil here - make a... (toilet flushes)
Me: Billy. It's 3am. I just pissed on my wall and I've got to wipe it down before the wifey sees it. You are spouting your right wing spunk at me and all I can think about is cleaning that urine off before I get castrated. You with me? I've got to find those Javex wipe thingys around here somewhere to disinfect. It's the last thing I want to be doing at 3am! Now I have to do while listening to Bill O'Reilly? C'mon cut me some slack already.
Bill: Mark. I'm gonna trust you on your word.
Me: (click)

Can you believe that guy? Is that all he does is news? 24/7? I mean it was freakin' 3am and he is working! I am all for a hard days work, but draw the line man. How can someone be so dedicated to something that is so logically wrong I'll never know. But I do know this: My freakin' bathroom wall is spotless. And so is my reputation around the house. And that, my friends, is what life is all about.

Prancing With The Stars...

I have been getting a ton of email this morning about rumors of me joining 'Dancing With The Stars'. Look guys, I told my agent to go out and get some buzz for me - I am tired of making shit up all the time for press all the time. So when he came back to me with this idea ...yeah ok I had a few drinks... it sounded off the chain. My hips don't lie guys. Seriously. If Drexler can do it - so can I. And I think I'm gonna win - I will be the best out there. My agent thinks my moves are a little effeminate, but then again he says I talk effeminate too. Idiot. I should can his ass. I am the most macho guy I know! And this show will prove it!

ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz... WHA? Huh> Oh hey - how r ya? Haven't made any real headlines lately - just kinda called the Internet dead and thought about buying the Yankees... I know I know, buzz is hard to come by lately. HDNet is kickin' freakin' ass though!! God I love that investment. And I God I love selling my investments too - it's like having sex for the first time, but it isn't - you know? Ahhhhhh! Dropping IceRocket will pay for my low orbit space adventure too. See the tie-in? I know you do.

Hey Sir Richie - got room there on your Virgin? It's my first time! Well - feels like it anyhow.

It's worse than I thought...

I am personally shocked by the news of an NBA referee betting on the same games as he was officiating from 2005 to 2007.

I had called Tim a few choice words during our games but never did I suspect that he had money on the game and then proceed to call the game accordingly. I am stunned really.

Sure I believe that some refs have their favorites and are swayed by their personal slants and biases and by what goes on in a game, but never to this extent.

So I have some choice words for Mr. Donaghy, but I will bite my tongue for the moment in case the man has some sort of explanation. As much as I love basketball, this proves that far too much power lies in the subjective hands of a few referees - I am calling for video reviews of ANY play that I want. I demand a refund of ALL my fines paid because of arguing with a ref and for punitive damages associated with working in a fast food outlet. I burnt my pinky, for lord sakes.

It's time to take a Stern look at officiating in the NBA. More later when I am much more calmer...

Just one application...

The Chicago Cub(an)s?

You bet. Look, I've got money. I can buy just about anything I want. The Cub(an)s are an institution in Chicago and Wrigley Field is really a mecca for any baseball purist. Those are valuable commodities and I trade in value. What do I really know about baseball? Crap. Basketball is my game, always has been. But I know commodities and there is money to be made here. If Jerry freakin' Jones can buy the Cowboys and reap those rewards, I can buy the damn Cub(an)s ok?

Sure it seems like I just want to buy another team for vanity sake. It just seems that way. Yes, I was interested in the Penguins (oops) and the Pirates and the CFL is looming large for me... But the Cub(an)s mean a lot more. I am buying a piece of America. That says something you know?

I have an uncanny knack of getting out too when the going gets tough. Look I sold Broadcast.com while avoiding the bursting bubble known as the Internet 1.0. I will sell the Cub(an)s too when the time is right, although that value has got nowhere to go but up. Wrigley field is the only hint of a bubble around this deal.

There will only be slight changes. Not really noticeable... really. To quote the infamous Harry Caray: “Booze, broads, and bullshit. If you got all that, what else do you need?”

CFL - Cuban Football League...

I'll just come out with it. I am thinking of buying the Canadian Football League. The whole damn thing. It's a different game up there - wider fields and only 3 downs to get 10 yards, and I hate to say it but they got bigger balls too - the point being there are differentiators between us (CFL) and the NFL.

I could buy the league lock stock and barrel and still come under the price tag of one NFL team. Chew on that. Then I will open up franchises to every major center in the US, but with the caveat of ONLY playing on Fridays. We will compete with the National Football League for any player in the draft past the first round.

That league has always needed financial assistance and now that they are starting to make better decisions (now there is only ONE 'Roughrider' team in the league - before there were two, believe it or not) I may be able to keep some of the executive staff.

I can't really rename the league the Cuban Football League 'cause we would not be in Cuba, would we? Hmmm, maybe Havana could support a team after the ol' Castro kicks off though.

I have got to make my mind up soon though, the freakin' Canadian exchange rate is damn near parity now and creeping up. It's loonie I tell ya!

Hello? Jerry Jones? Anyone home??

WTF? Its not like I am pissed off all the time. May seem like that sometimes but I am a very nice person - just ask around. Once you get on my bad side though...

Jerry Jones. Is he completely out to lunch? I mean seriously - Over $1 billion for a new stadium? You would need 30 years to recoup that investment - how old is the guy; 60? I don't know. You do the math.

I think he is trying to show me up. Yep. Now that gets under my skin - ask that motor mouth Trump. Everyone knows that the Dallas Mavericks is what makes Texas tick. The Cowboys have been around for a long time I know, but damn - they have done jack squat in that past few years. Why doesn't Jones get off his high horse and eat some damn beans with the rest of us? Got some right here over the fire right now. The bean sauce is bubblin' and the can wrapper has clean burnt off long ago. You remember that movie "They Call Me Trinity"? I'm the big brother eating all the beans wanting to smack ol' Jonesy upside the head.

Ohman, I got me some gas from all those beans - or is it all that hot air blowin' from Jerry's World...

EDIT: NO IT IS NOT GAS FROM MY COLONOSCOPY.

My Wikipedia entry and smokin' Cubans...

Ok guys - you all know who I am. Sure I like to jump up and down and froth at the mouth during my beloved Mavs games, but there is more to me than that! Just read the juicy Wikipedia entry about me. I kick ass man. Hell even I forgot I sold garbage bags when I was a kid to pay for new sneakers!

Oh that reminds me - got a call yesterday on my new iPhone (Yes, iPhone. I've got Rosie O'Donnell doing Trump's comb-over on it as a background) from Reebok. Some english accented goofball. Anyway he kept putting the emphasis on 'ban' instead of the 'cu' in my name - really pissed me off. Not a good way to start a conversation with me by the way. Its not like my name has a million syllables or something. He was all excited about a new line of sneakers that they want to bring out based on my name and breaking rules. Smokin' Cubans is what he called them. Can you f*cking believe that? He was smoking something that's obvious.

I asked him how he got my number so I could ream the idiot out. Turns out it was my speakers bureau - you know the guys that book all my speaking engagements (don't laugh - $50k per +X baby). Why the hell they gave him my new cell number is beyond me.

Sneakers. Like I have time out of my day to play with designing those. I asked him to send over some options... :)

Stay Tuned!!

This is gonna be fun...